Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Lanford or Bust!

Whenever I hear the harmonica, I think one thing; Roseanne's house at
714 Delaware Street Lanford IL.

Only.....its not in LANFORD. After I threw up in my mouth and calmed down a bit, I began to regroup. The house had to exist somewhere. I didn't make it up in a dream. I would hope my wildest fantasy would involve a little more than this house, like maybe a stone castle.

Rest assured that Roseanne's house is actually in Evansville, Indiana, which is practically neighbors with Lanford IL.

Evansville was settled in 1812 around the Ohio River. It is the 3rd largest city in Indiana. If more superfluous information is required about Evansville, just visit

This will literally satisfy all of your questions. All of them.

Conceived As We Once Was

We already figured out what can come of this natural and beautiful scene...

Becky, Darlene, D.J,
and last but not least, Jerry (gayest name ever for a save-the-sitcom baby, btw).

Is that all there is?

The word on the street as of March 2009 (better late than never) is that we may be launched right back to Lanford where 1997 left us. More specifically that would leave us in her basement writing room concocting an imaginary story that actually very much resembles her current life as a working class matriarch, only she won the lottery, and Dan didn't die. How avant gaurde. Silly Roseanne only religious freaks who never had more than ten bucks to their name win the they can piss it away at their nearest church. I think that's called faith.

As excited as I am to see where this new 2009 Roseanne would take us, I am a bit apprehensive. In 1990, we almost lost Dan when he decided to build a new life as a exterminator. You can only imagine the grueling hours he spent conditioning himself for his new career. No one really knows why, but he reluctantly gave up arachnid killing and returned to shrew taming back in Lanford until he dropped dead of a heart attack.

We also left Darlene and Mark having a baby. (This is not a typo and we will explore it in another post). So now we are left with a single Roseanne, a gay Jackie, with kids and grand kids under the same roof...and of course, no lotto money. For a sitcom, this seems a dismal beginning to a spin off show, although they did make Saved by the Bell-College Years. To quote Annie Wilks from Misery, "Misery was buried in the ground at the end, Paul, so you'll have to start there."

So with all her kin at home, and Roseanne being the MeMaw of the family, I am unfortunately reminded of another show that is already on contemporary television, 16 AND PREGNANT, where 3 or 4 generations are gathered under the same shanty roof. After watching this show, I finally realized how people become cutters. Sometimes the only choice is to bleed the stupid out. If you have not seen this show, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I would suggest trying acid or PCP before I suggest watching that atrocity they call programming. It gives anyone of even slight intelligence brain grid lock.

I say ON WITH THE SHOW. In Roseanne we Trust, so I know she will come up with something and she will fight the FCC tooth and nail to keep her vision alive. Actually, this could be the first step back to the television we once knew and loved, with writers and story lines! To hell with reality shows!